During those times when kids were out of control, I sometimes had a fantasy about shrinking down to toddler size and strength and kicking their ass. (It would be toddler strength, so no one would get hurt!) This is a terrible idea–only because it’s impossible–but just thinking about it made me feel a little better. When I wrote my screenplay about parenting, I made sure to work the Fight Club for toddlers idea in during a scene when two dads go outside to piss in the grass. Here’s the Fight Club for toddlers scene from The Waiting List.

(If it doesn’t jump to the right place in the movie, click here.)

Sometimes I think every children’s story is just an attempt to trick kids into falling asleep. Take a classic like Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Possibly the most boring, repetitive story ever. But it actually works (sometimes) for putting kids to sleep because it’s painfully boring and their little minds starts wandering, tuning out the boredom. The story doesn’t even make sense. Why would the medium bowl be too cold but the smaller bowl “just right?” And a little girl breaks a chair that usually seats a small bear? She can hardly be blamed.

Goodnight, Moon? It’s one long snore-a-thon designed to bore the shit out of your kid so they’ll fall asleep.

But every parent knows that these boring-as-hell books don’t actually work for putting your kid to sleep. There’s a glass of water, getting a rock, another story request, potty break, reassuring them something terrible isn’t going to happen in the middle of the night, another glass of water… meanwhile, you’re thinking “Please just go the fuck to sleep! I need to go watch Breaking Bad!”

Finally there’s a book coming out that addresses the secret undercurrent of all children’s literature. It has the wonderfully refreshing title “Go the F**k to Sleep.” The cover art seems to be like many other soothing bedtime stories. Stories where baby animals snuggle with their mother at the end of the day. Stories so boring you start falling asleep instead of your kid.

I’m looking forward to inevitable sequels and spin-offs, like:

Just Brush Your Goddam Teeth Already
You’re Definitely Old Enough to Wipe Your Own Ass, Okay?
Can We Just Have One Meal Where You Don’t Spill Milk?
Can This Wait Until After I’ve Had Coffee Please?

Making up titles is fun. Share yours….

Before you had kids, you probably pictured all of the wonderful moments where your baby takes her first steps, says your name for the first time, or does something adorable with your pet cat that you can upload to YouTube to try and make your kid the next viral sensation.

What you didn’t realize is that you’d also be spending every trip in the car listening to kid’s music. Awful kid’s music. There are two kinds of kid’s music: songs that sound awful the first 1,000 times you listen to them before they start to grow on you, and songs you enjoy the first time you hear them but can’t stand hearing the next 1,000 times. In either case, you lose. (Upside: your kid wins.)

The same is true for kid’s cartoons. Even Pixar or PBS or any other cartoons you carefully curate for your impressionable genius’ mind. But thanks to Twitter friend @attyatlarge, you can now enjoy the millionth viewing of Angelina Ballerina by playing a little drinking game: The Angelina Ballerina Drinking Game.

Some of them will get you drunk quickly: “Angelina says “absolutely positively!” (1 drink).” Others might actually make you forget to take a drink if they happened on screen: “Angelina and Gracie get all Black Swan on each other. (2 drinks).”

Check out the entire list on her blog. And if you’ve got any kid’s cartoon drinking games of your own, drop a link or list the rules in the comments.

Watch the Disney Princess scene from The Waiting List…. (this embedded clip will jump to the right place)

The Waiting List: a foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed, back-stabbing comedy about preschool enrollment.

http://filmsnobbery.com/2009/09/24/the-waiting-list/

I like any review that has this in the opening paragraph: “I literally cannot think of a bad thing to say about it.”  Read the whole review here (and he does find one thing “bad” to say…)

The Waiting List has been selected to the 2009 Ellensburg Film Festival (in Washington).  

We are in good company, judging by the list of narrative features playing this year. 

Looking forward to the roadtrip up to Ellensburg.  See you soon, Washingtonians!

Here’s an excerpt from the review by Bret Van Horn (or read the review on his site by clicking this link):

Is The Waiting List right for you? In short, any parent who’s been forced to sit through Dora the Explorer, watch endless princess movies, strike up awkward conversations at play dates or just generally wonder why they do the things they do for their kids will be able to relate to this film. On an entirely different level, the film has also reminded me that as parents, we can (and need to) carve out time to do things for ourselves or we can’t be good parents. We need to get out with our friends once in awhile, work on our hobbies, do the things that make us ourselves or we become someone we’re not familiar with, someone we may not want raising our children.

“The Waiting List” is an odd piece that seems to divide an audience – men enjoyed the sarcasm and witty humor while some women may have laughed but were left unfulfilled. A group of parents attempt to get their kids into the most prestigious pre-school in the area. They have to spend the night in order to get on the school’s precious “waiting list.” I hate to keep making past movie references, but this cries out like Breakfast Club meets Clerks with parental angst. Now that may sound like a possible bummer, but it’s not largely due to the amiable cast and some very clever dialogue.

The standout amongst the parents is Chris played by Jayme S. Hall who also is the comic relief, a stay-at-home dad with no filter accompanying his thoughts regarding sex, kids, pregnant women, Dora the Explorer. This character is written with such glee and Hall gives a very funny, flippant performance that also touches the heart. I would say that his is the primary reason to see the film, but it’s not. There are genuine moments between Teresa Decher as Ella and Audrey Walker as Audrey. Ella is a teen who may or may not be pregnant and struggling with the notion of it while questioning Audrey who could be giving birth that week. It’s a casual and fun dynamic that does not hit us over the head with moral issues. Instead, it allows us to play with the complexities in our heads.

Then there is Ben (Bryce Flint-Somerville), the uptight, blackberry cursed, henpecked/work worn father who just needs a break. Unfortunately, he meets up with an old flame played with evil deliciousness by Amanda Englund. She is the all-consuming bitch that plays hall monitor and snake, attempting everything she can to claw her way to a higher spot on the list so her son can be guaranteed a seat in the precious school. Ben is a great foil and one cannot help cheer for him at every turn. We feel his pain and laugh at it at the same time.

The film does wander off at times in its rhythm, but just before it loses you Hall breaks in with another funny bit that reels us back in. Budget constraint aside, “The Waiting List” is worthwhile with a cast that is worth the wait.